I actually started writing this post over the summer and completely forgot about it. Now that we have even more on our plate, it rings truer and feel that I made the best decision for myself, as difficult as it was.
I ramble a lot about how I look at yoga and how it plays into my lifestyle. Because it’s always changing, ebbing and flowing it’s way into my world in different forms for different reasons. I’ve posted before about how I feel that yoga is not just a physical practice, but an entire lifestyle. I was practicing at a studio four times a week, but I took the lifestyle aspect just a seriously. I let my physical and spiritual practices weave together to build physical strength that could connect my mind and body and allow me to learn more about my true self. I try to let yoga teach me who I am and how I move through life.
I’m still discovering who I really am, and I think it’s something I will never 100% have a grasp of because I’m always changing. Rather than trying to define myself by words I’m working on taking life as it comes, staying present and open to learning about myself through it all, without definition or attachment. But lately who I am is just overwhelmed. And it’s my own fault because I tend to take on too much.
I’ve reached the point where squeezing in one more thing, even if it’s my precious yoga practice, just gives me anxiety. Maybe it’s the stress of feeling like I need to be somewhere at a certain time, or maybe it’s just wanting some quiet time to myself. But I haven’t been in a “yoga class” mood lately. It’s been months since I’ve taken a studio class more than once a week, my home practice is scarce, and teaching is stressful. I felt really guilty about it for a long time. But I’m trying to look at it through a different lens and realize that my spiritual practice is what I need most right now.
The stress I was putting myself under was turning the things I love into things I dreaded, including yoga and my full time job that I absolutely adore. I feel like I sound dramatic, but the completely honest truth is that I pushed myself past my limits and I needed to take a step back. I couldn’t not make time for myself or for my husband anymore.
I actually stopped teaching yoga, besides one weekend class, back in August. It was a hard decision (again, the guilt) but I ended up feeling like this actual physical load was taken off of my shoulders when I was able to just go home after work the first time and not teach.
My husband was happy, too. We were able to spend the rest of the summer going for long walks on the trails/at the beach and eat dinner outside until the sun sets. These things bring me peace and happiness, and also teach me about myself. They help me stay present. And isn’t that the real yoga?
Now that I’m pregnant, I value this time I have at home, with my husband, or even alone even more. I’ve learned that allowing myself to relax, to think, to sit home and write or scrapbook and bring back some of my hobbies was the thing I needed the most.
After the baby comes, I’m actually really excited to return to my yoga practice, with a whole new outlook. It’s funny how these things happen…